Saturday, November 15, 2008

The Unfolding of Intuition

I got an email request from a reader named Amber asking me to share about my journey, and detail how my intuitive abilities unfolded and what I did to develop them further. I will try to give the best account I can to you, but this could get quite lengthy because this has been a lifelong process that has even taken me by surprise many times. Another Intuitive Consultant told me a long time ago:"Marie, you have never mis-used your gifts, but your gifts have mis-used you." Without fulling understanding [logically] how I seemed to often 'know' things that I had no formal training in made her statement very true for me. I was often unable to articulate the data I'd receive.

It was as if my intuitive faculty existed beyond my mind and personality, early on I didn't always figure out how connect the dots. My actions were often counter intuitive in fact, which set up a bunch of learning experiences, that would usually lead me back to the question, "why didn't I listen to my gut, or hunch, or feeling, or instinct etc.? I'm the type that likes to discover things and then either prove or disprove the; more times than not I do get validation for my 'inner knowing.' I'm not that 'airy fairy' which may surprise some [Even my Astrology chart indicates this, out of the 4 elements I have the least 'air' which tends to make a person more spacey, more 'out there'] I'm stubborn and suspicious in nature and I need to know why [to everything.] I'm often the victim of my own heightened sensitivity. [working on this!]

For many years my life seemed like a series of accidents and coincidences and each experience would set me up for the next phase. I have always been a curious seeker looking for something, and I'm always puzzled by people who don't need to figure things out, or those that can function on the 'mundane level' and go along with the mainstream flow. I'm equally skeptical towards people that are overly into religion or flighty New Age thinking. I am metaphysical and esoteric by nature, and I combine that with my analytical side and that makes for a complex person who understands everyone, but with age [50] has become more of a detached loner. I'm sociable and personal in public, but I always look forward to getting away from the energy of others and back to my self. I prefer to take my own car, so I can leave/escape when I want.

OK I veered off as I tend to do, I write exactly how I talk [sorry]. As a child I was sensitive and high strung, I was afraid of strangers, the dark, Santa Claus, I didn't like to be kissed by relatives. I now understand that my nervous system and energy field couldn't handle the vibrations of others, back then I just knew I felt discomfort. I was a serious kid and could read people and their intentions, the confusion came in when they would say something contrary to what I was 'sensing' but could not explain. So I learned at a young age to cross reference what I'd hear with what I felt. I was at times accused of "reading too much into things" [yep, that's what I do!] The alternative was stuffing feelings and playing dumb, to this day I still sometimes glance away to be polite when someone is lying to me, as a kid this bothered me a lot. I still struggle with etiquette while being so tuned in to others thoughts and motives, lately I'm less likely to give someone the benefit of the doubt when I know the truth about a particular situation, but for my sanity I do let a lot of things slide. As a young child I constantly had anxiety and a feeling of impending doom. I'm sure there were MANY reasons for this, but it also had to do with my ability to perceive many possibilities beyond the scope of logical deduction, although I do have good deduction skills. I believe I was like an antenna of sorts constantly picking up signals from others thoughts and energies,[actually 'energy follows thought.'] But I didn't know all this I just thought I had a busy mind and tended to worry. To the degree that I was this highly receptive only caused me more anguish. I had difficulty putting what I experienced into some type of context or point of reference. Again this was my gifts mis-using me, as I learned later in life.

This may sound strange but I became a bit of a chameleon and could blend into most people and environments.I kept my individual identity, but was able to adjust my energy frequency to another fairly easily. But I felt most comfortable with those on my wavelength, or vibrational level, those few friends I have a natural comfort level with, which often transcends words, and time and space. People would tell me things like if they had been upset they knew if they saw me they'd cry, somehow my 'knowing their inner self' and reflecting that in my eye contact with them projected an energy that would expose and release their pain, evidently I was producing some type of effect in people through my energy.

Usually things about people were very evident to me, not a psychic ability, I thought anyone could sense this kind of stuff. Many times when speaking to another I would bring something up 'hypothetically' and usually before I was done it was apparent that I was referring to something specific, relevant, and personal to that individual. As time went on I got better at this style of relating to others and many were drawn to me for friendship and insight. BTW I never viewed this as anything special or psychic.

People not mystically inclined would often tell me thy felt me enter a room prior to actually seeing me. The reactions of others towards me signaled how I needed to adjust my aura or energy field to be in a given setting. [At the present time this is more natural and requires less deliberate effort on my part, I also avoid people and places that I don't naturally resonate with. I also had crazy detailed dreams but never felt they had special meaning [at least early on I didn't.] I did have a bit of a mystic quality and I was drawn to ancient teachings and wisdom. I was always longing for inspiration, I loved the sayings on the Salada tea bags as a kid. [OK, as an adult too---they don't make them any more.]

I spent my early twenties partying all the time, but ironically I was still drawn to health, wellness, and finding the meaning of life.Mood altering substances used to dull my awareness, in the end only seemed to heighten them even more, and sometimes to a frightening degree. I was like Dorothy trying to get back to Kansas, and like Dorothy I'd later discover 'I had the power' all along. [No I don't own Ruby slippers, do glass high heels count?] Before I realized that like Dorothy 'I had the power,' I too met a few 'characters' along the path to OZ, [aka Illusion.] These were the others that like me were looking for what was missing inside themselves.

To fast forward my late twenties I was in constant pain from TMJ [I had a slipped disk in my jaw caused by a dental procedure.] I spent years having dental work, PT, the pain was unbearable and wouldn't go away. I was positive this pain was the result of everything I ignored catching up to me in a big way, all at once...Karma! I was basically ignored by Doctors when I'd describe what I was experiencing. I felt very dismissed...I was young, in shape, I taught Aerobics and worked as a professional make-up artist at the time. I was into the whole appearance thing,trying to fix myself from the outside in. As a result I was underestimated and ignored.[A true mirror reflection of my own self doubt.] Later this actually helped give birth to my intuition; or at least get it out of the closet. [I joke about being in the 'clairvoyant closet' all those years, I swear it's not a choice--I was born this way!] Eventually I began to get my own diagnosis on my jaw through intuition [I ignored it, then it showed up in dreams.] I think with all the fast lane medicine these days, more people may become medically intuitive out of necessity!!!

{This also explained the anxiety of my early yrs. I would worry about illness, and if I was having dental work for instance; I could sense or 'see' if the dentist did the wrong thing,[Yes, I have told the dentist he wasn't all the way in the canal.] I had the need to dialog on my own behalf, as uncomfortable as this was for me to do. I know this resembles 'neurosis' which I'm sure I have a bit of; but what I'm describing had more to do with my clairvoyance. [I didn't know that word and hadn't heard of Medical Intuition till I started 'seeing' medical issues and images that looked like x-rays, ultra sound, and sometimes MRI's.] Back then I had no Anatomy and Physiology, just basic fitness instructor muscular/skeletal knowledge.

After 2 yrs my cries were finally heard, and I had surgery on my jaw. An MRI had confirmed the problem [today I would never let something like this drag on without injecting my intuitive evaluation into a discussion with my doctor.] By the time the actual problem was identified I had already explored Acupuncture, meditation, massage, and a general interest in Holistic Therapies to cope while I waited for the doctor and team of experts to realize what I had said all along. My pain levels were more tolerable when I followed these various disciplines which were all new to me. The thing that drew me the most [besides pain relief] was that these practitioners were more personable than the traditional Medical field had been. They also asked questions that seemed unrelated to just my jaw, and they explored the mind/body connection. I'll be honest I wanted a quick fix to get back to my old way of life. However; I had suspected all along that my pain was a symptom of other things and sure enough I began to get in touch with suppressed emotions held in the body, I started to connect 'cause and effect' which I always believed in, but in the past wasn't ready to take responsibility for.

I was so convinced that if I didn't do this I'd be in pain for the rest of my life. So this stemmed from desperation rather than virtue. I was surprised how much I needed to get in touch with, considering I had viewed myself to be aware and deep. Even after the surgery I continued to have pain but I was determined to get to another level. I did feel like I was being tested. Today I understand this as Initiations we go through as we evolve to higher levels of consciousness.

Our higher selves are urging us to leave behind unnecessary parts of our ego, and old ways of thinking and acting. On some level I knew about this stuff, because even at a young age I experienced these cycles that seemed to push me forward.
I used to be very scared and resistant to these 'shifts', I wondered "how come things couldn't just stay the same in my life?" Evidently 'stagnation' wasn't in my soul's contract this time around; BUT 'transformation' was. I could deal with the latter because I enjoy making things better, like an alchemist turning the ordinary metal into gold. At least my natural inclination towards esoteric thinking helped me to somehow navigate and prevail through the rough terrain of my soul's agenda. This blessing was my only light as I worked through some heavy issues and challenges. In my mind the only reward was that I might be lifted from the mundane reality, that felt so heavy and dense to me.

I continued dealing with chronic pain, and I enrolled in Massage school. I was in my early thirties with 2 kids in Jr. High, I was married then. I became interested in New Age stuff and everyone thought I was crazy, except much of what I would 'get' made sense, was helpful, and accurate. I figured if I was simply hallucinating my hallucinations wouldn't be accurate, or documented, this was all so amazing, I thought. Seriously at one point not recognizing the development of anything beyond my 5 senses, I thought "I was getting really smart!"

I was truly getting detailed info well beyond the scope of any personal knowledge I had, particularly on medical issues. My sister is a nurse, I had no prior desire to help the sick, I liked the glamour world, and decorating. I was concerned with being at my 'perfect weight' [and saving the world; while looking good!] So, it was odd that I was getting stuff I hadn't been drawn to before. Oddly, I had a friend who whenever I was depressed or morbidly self focused he would say "Marie go work with Lepers." This wasn't what I wanted to hear, yet service to others was the path I was being led to, and the development of my abilities seemed to be in direct relationship with the areas of service I was to offer. It is in this vain that I refer to these abilities as 'gifts' verses that I am somehow 'a gifted person.' I am only the latter if someone is receiving and benefiting from what I possibly can offer them.

BTW I may sound like I know what I'm talking about [now years after the fact,] but back when this all happened; it was weird... I never made claims about any abilities, I wasn't fond of new age labels, and I wasn't certain this had anything to do with talent on my part. Mostly the people I worked on commented or confirmed something I may have said. In my mind I was having a series or stream of accurate coincidences for no reason, therefore they could also simply stop for no reason.

I did take a lot of classes, seminars, and workshops on energy healing, Reiki, and everything else you can think of. Often in the workshops we would pair up with someone we just met and upon touching them I would 'see' a stream of visions almost like view master slides, often the images would look like the negatives of photographs. I continued to be as surprised as anyone else, in fact I often blurted out what I 'saw' not realizing the potential this could have on the person I was working on. Evidently the contact of touching another person allowed me to access their energy, and unknown to me I had the ability to read and interpret that energy which carried data about that persons life, path, health, and other private issues.

After these sessions I would be drained, I took on discomfort and symptoms of those I touched. {Transference is common in empaths.] I did these sessions for free for many years and as time went on I began to understand what I was doing and I learned to assume what I was "getting" was probably correct so I had better use discernment, at the same time I was always on the look out to be wrong. Eventually I became a massage therapist and I worked at an upscale day spa. I knew I had to control my intuitions so not to expose anything or offend a client. Massage therapy was becoming more popular in the early 90's, I wasn't overly into this as a career, but rather it gave me a credential and vehicle to do "my real work." My intuitive abilities were strong and rapidly unfolding but I didn't have the audacity to become a professional psychic; nor was I sure these intuitive abilities would continue with any consistent reliability.

They did continue however through my massage therapy practice ...I couldn't help myself, the second I'd put my hands on a part of the body where the person had pain; the info, impressions, and inner hearing would start up. Mostly I would get an overview, like an outline and I'd have to color in the middle to complete the picture, sometimes this involved participation from the client. I also had great concerns abut invading someones personal energetic space, like psychic trespassing. I've found the ones that give this the most consideration are the ones who truly have the ability to do so..."He who knows is responsible."

Often I would make inquiries to the client before revealing what I was getting. If what I got didn't match what they were sharing, I'd stay quiet thinking it was non applicable. Soon I realized that possibly at least on some levels, I knew people better than they knew themselves...evidently I could read that which they suppressed. Often during my 'play it safe' inquiries a client would relate to something I touched on,eluded to, or sensed; and this allowed a dialog to begin. I was very careful not to embellish, or edit, but relay the message in the most loving concerned way that I could. I also started to get instruction on what to say, I'd try to re-construct the message in my own words, so I wouldn't appear to be 'channeling' , I had an aversion to channelling for some reason, it didn't seem believable to me. However,later on mostly to save time and for efficiency sake, I allowed the messages to directly flow out to the client as I got it. [I repeated the words I heard verbatim, they were not my own personal thoughts.] This allowed for a clearer, cohesive message; I just had to get my self consciousness [ego] out of the way. Sometimes this might not happen until their next session.

Eventually when a client would call the spa to book an appointment they would request 'the psychic one with reddish hair.' Some started bringing tape recorders to tape any message that may come during their session. This freaked me out, performance anxiety, how would I sound on tape? What if no message came? Eventually they requested readings instead of a massage. I replied "I don't do readings" "I do massage, body work, and energy balancing and I just get stuff". Eventually they would ask me, " are you getting any stuff?" Clients went from being apprehensive about anything I might get on them, to asking me flat out was I not expressing something I was possibly getting; people found this so helpful in their lives they wanted more, sometimes I didn't get anymore. Eventually some wouldn't even come with specific questions they would say just tell me "go with whatever you get," this permission helped my intuition to have free reign to access more, which usually included specific concerns the client had anyhow. So the people I worked with deserve the credit for aiding my intuition, their trust, helped my trust, and it became a mutual exchange.

I started to get many clients and referrals always to my amazement, I got very excited when a person would give me positive feedback on something I imparted to them at a previous time. [Often it takes time for things to unfold.] Many times the confirmations were from medical tests, or events in their life such as an event at work or home. Eventually while driving to work I would try to mentally prepare my body, mind and energy, for the days appointments. I began to hear guidance and direction pertinent to the clients I hadn't even met! In my appointment book I didn't even have their names, I only wrote the appointment time and the salons name, so I wouldn't confuse those appointments with my home clients who's names I'd fill in. Sure enough when I'd meet the client they would relay to me the same things I already knew. Occasionally when this didn't happen right off the bat I figured I was wrong [at that point I was usually more open to being wrong verses right, so I always considered that I could be wrong. And while I waited for the other shoe to drop, I was always fully prepared to not continue with this work at a given moment; for me if I wasn't accurate, I wasn't helpful, so what was the point? I also 'knew' that guiding people in a professional way was a huge responsibility for me, my integrity, and intentions, and the idea of violating this was unthinkable, and I was disgusted over the fact that people compromise these principles in life and work all the time.

In essence an Intuitive Consultant deals with issues much the way a therapist would, yet without any formal training or education in this area, many don't have knowledge of boundaries and other ethical issues that are central in all professions. True intuits are very concerned and aware of these issues,, but like anything else knowledge combined with skill is best, for both the Intuitve/Healer, as well as the client. An example for me was I had difficulty sometimes bring a session to an end, because this work can be ongoing, and I didn't want to stop knowing there was more to do. I eventually learned that my job was to offer as much as I could and the client had to decide if they wanted to come back for more work.

For example Chakra work often takes several sessions, like a root canal, or another procedure. Once my professionalism was established I would give the client an estimate on how many sessions I figured they'd need to accomlish the needed work. By this time I was more aware, and technical about the work I was doing, [prior I was nervous about the whole 'charleton thing.'] This was still the early 90's and although alternative healing was becoming somewhat trendy, it was not as acceptable and mainstream as it is today. [Even though in actuality ancient wisdom and healing techniques have been around forever.] "Everything old becomes new." I took this process probably much slower than I needed to, but it was important to me to be clear and go at a comfortable pace, in the meantime I continued to learn and improve my skills.

To wrap this up, as time went on I figured out what worked, I realized I couldn't do this everyday, or full time, I like word of mouth referrals but I shyed away from publicity. I didn't want this valuable modality to be dismissed in any way; I liked my small repeat clientele. I literally stood in awe of all of this for so long [I still do, but it's normal now, not so 'super natural'] I never felt drawn to advertising, I eventually got a brochure. I'm talking 10 yrs later with years of experience and positive results. For some reason I never took this to the level I could have, I've always stayed a little cautious. This work takes energy that I don't always have and my intuition flows better when I'm not over scheduled.

For anyone reading this who is trying to develop intuition I've discovered that it finds you, then it's mostly about you trusting it even just a little at a time, then as a result more tends to unfold as you are willing to receive it. I did read books and take classes but listening, trusting, and acting according to my intuition is what really helped it to develop. Perhaps something in my personality or soul is inclined towards this, and I've been able to exam and listen to it better as time has gone by. I'd be typing forever if I gave you all the examples how intuition has helped me and others. For the sake of specificity I'll creat a post with a variety of random case histories soon, maybe later today.

I've actually been leery about people who do readings, personally I'm picky and not easily impressed in general [not just about psychics] I'm not even that attached to the word psychic or even the other labels I've used in my profile to describe myself or what I do. In fact they have mostly come from other's descriptions of me. I also want to say that many people have these abilities and they're not so unatural. It's a known fact that kids are intuitive but around the age of 7 when they learn math and other left/brain/ linear concepts, their intuition may diminish as they abandon it to academic study. It need not be either or, both are valid.

I do think that because I spent a good part of my early life in right brain/non linear activities,including work,various training and other hobbies-- I was perhaps more inclined to posses and develop stronger intuition, and I tend to be open to non linear concepts, impressions and intuition. BUT I do have an extreme need for those things to make sense. I am not simply satisfied with the idea that some piece of data is automatically valuable just because I 'got it' via intuition. I do seek confirmation to prove or explain in some way the validity of the intuitive insight. I try to marry intuition with logic every chance I get,I somehow feel better after my minds mental gymnastics confirm what my intuition implied in simple, direct, often uncomplicated fashion [often referred to as "Direct Knowing"] It's as if my brain downloads needed info from the cosmos, but I like to follow up with research.

I'm better now at translating what I get via 'high sense perception'* to something that is also sensible and applicable. Sometimes it's the clients job to interpret the intuitive message or symbolism that I receive for them. The other helpful thing for me was I started seeing the 'Chakras' or energy centers in people. I can say that I don't simply 'believe' in Chakras---I 'know' them, they exist, I see them and they're real, verses some belief or notion that I suscribe to. Within these centers we contain strengths, weaknesses, potential for healing, or illness. This topic deserves more than I can give right now. I highly recommend the books towards the end of this post.

I also want to say that the work I do with individuals is probably more profound than the intuitions, insights, and commentaries I give here on my blog. This is for fun and learning, I'm not trying to be the psychic queen of the Internet, [I'm too late that position has already been filled.] I don't have the time, desire or energy for that. I am a single 50 yr old mom of an almost 8 yr. old son, and I'm back in school tying to get my left/brain more developed. Also writing isn't the best modality for me to convey my messages.

I'm much better with telepathy,[joking, but serious] letters and phone calls are so time consuming; direct verbal communication can be a drag and can really water down the truth. All the telepathic ones are laughing now, I can tell! I'm not sure there are any words I can use, if one's mind isn't open or attuned to this sort of thing, hey I've been my own biggest skeptic even having had the experiences. My mother always called be 'a doubting Thomas,' she was right, for me seeing is believing and even then I want additional documentation!!!

Whether it's apparent to anyone or not, I'm always keeping this in check. The universe has funny ways of doing this as well. A cute story about telepathy [actually I have many] back to the point. When my middle son was little he was curious about this psychic and telepathic stuff that I was exploring, he was amazed and proud of all this so called magic. He proudly went to school one day and exclaimed to his teacher that his mom was ...."Psychopathic!" [perhaps?] Anyhow he mis-combined psychic and telepathic, and that's what he got. He couldn't wait to report this to me when he arrived home, I had to laugh!

*High Sense Perception, is a term coined by Barbara Brennan, author of 'Hands of Light' and 'Light Emerging." Brennan is a scientist, she worked as a Nuclear Physicist for Nassau studying the molecular structure of energy, when she began to notice energy fields [Auras, electromagnetic energy] around people, she noted that certain colors and energy patterns correlated to one's emotional states.

She went on to merge her scientific background with her work as an energy healer. Her work is so intelligent and her books are very good and extremely helpful. Lots of Scientific info. connected to metaphisics, and eventually soul developement. In fact it was at a weekend seminar of hers in 1991 in Boston, that much of the work I had been doing since 1988, was explained to me in Scientific terms, verses the 'white lighter' mentality of new age practioneers. However; it all ties into the same work but the labels are different based on ones understanding. I do think knowledge combined with Intuition is the most effective combination to assist the masses. I was helpful when I didn't have a clue, but became much more effective with knowledge and proven techniques. It was nice to finally have concrete definitions for what I had been doing all along. This may not be important for everyone, but it was to me.

I hope this helped someone, now you have glimpses of my life and how intuitive abilities unfolded for me, everyone's path is different and we all contribute in various ways, so I stay open minded.

I just wrote a paper on Emerson's 'Self Reliance" for my Amer. Lit class, so I'll leave you all with food for thought!!!

"No Law Can Be Sacred To Me But That of My Nature" ~Emerson~

The above quote was the theme of my paper, It was hard to decide because I agree with most of what he says. A couple more also from 'Self Reliance' that I like are ........

1]"I am ashamed at how we capitulate to badges and names, to large societies, and dead institutions." ~Emerson~

2] "What have I to do with the sacredness of traditions, if I live wholly from within?" ~Emerson~ Then his friend questions him..."But these impulses may be from below, not above." In response Emerson replies: "They do not seem to be such: but if I am the Devils child. I will live then from the Devil." ~Emerson~

OK this is the longest post I've ever written, thanks for your patience in reading this. It was at a reader's request that I elaborated in detail [and this is the short version] some of my life's experiences, and the understanding of my Intuition, and it's role in my life and others. There are plenty of down sides to being highly intuitive, I'll save those for later.


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